Everyone wants to be the guy/girl with abs and the smoking hot girlfriend/boyfriend, admit it no matter how much you hate Joe/Beverly the Douche/Bitch, you want to be him/her. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty on how you too can achieve your dream body. Can you sense the sarcasm yet?

1.) Admit You Have a Problem

Okay so welcome to FA (fitness anonymous), this is the place where the skinny and the fat come to talk about their fitness woes. “Hi my name is Grant and I suffer from an eternal love all foods high in fat ass.” To which the class responds, “Hi Grant.” (Just as a late disclaimer this post will offend all fat and skinny people, so if you are easily offended or take life too seriously stop reading.)

2.) Get a Plan

Now that we have that out of the way, how are we going to fix your problem? If you’re fat the solution to your problem is to put the damn fork down, and if your skinny the solution is to put that fork in your mouth until you aren’t skinny anymore. Obviously it’s more complicated than that, but that’s the base of what you should be doing. If you want to lose weight you need to be in a caloric deficit, and if you want to gain weight you need to be in a caloric surplus.

If you’re serious about getting in shape I have a task for you. I want you track everything you eat and drink for two or three days, but I want you to do it without changing any of your dietary habits. Once you have that information you can see what needs to change. Most likely you need more real food and less fake shit. However, that is a discussion for a different time, and if you have questions email me.

3.) Exercise

Huh, exercise fell all the way to number three on the list… What the hell? I thought this was a fitness blog. Why yes my observant friend this is a fitness blog, but without taking care of the first two your treadmill will once again serve it’s true purpose as a drying rack.

Okay now it is time to devise a plan for your career as a lifter. What are your goals? Do you want to be brutally strong, or shredded? Lie to yourself all you want, but you want to be one or the other. However, at the basic level everyone needs the same thing, which is to build a big base with the compound lifts. This is why I recommend you pick up a copy of 5/3/1, which walks you through the complete process of turning into a real man/woman/toaster. If you don’t want to build your body with the basics then have fun being fat.

4.) Be Patient

If you want to do this whole badass thing then you need to play the long game. Just like anything worth doing in life it takes time, and yes you do have time you lazy turd. If doctors and lawyers can find time to workout then so can you. I was reading a blog by Paul Carter earlier and he had a quote that said, “Arnold doesn’t come in a bottle.” Let that sink in, there are no shortcuts to what you want. There never will be any shortcuts to anything you want, so stop looking and pick up a barbell.

Everything you do along your fitness your fitness journey happens one rep at a time, one set at a time, and one workout at a time. If you can’t accept getting better over the long haul then you won’t be successful in the short term. 80% of the decisions you make regarding your fitness need to be directed towards your long-term goals, but experiment with the other 20% and keep things fresh. However, this is not my blessing to use the bosu ball to do stupid shit that makes you look like you’re a new born deer.

5.) Be a Sponge

This last point applies to every area of your life you should never stop learning, ever. The one time you shouldn’t be learning something is when you’re asleep because every waking moment you are absorbing information, whether you need it or not. I’ll put it to you this way, if you don’t have time to learn about the only body you have then have fun being miserable. The more you can learn about your body the better you can make it function. Think about your body as a sexy sports car, would you let your sexy sports car get covered in rust? You wouldn’t? Okay so stop letting your body get covered in it, every time you skip a workout or eat a whole pizza by yourself, you’re covering your car in rust. Make smart decisions with your body because it’s the only one you have.

I want to end this post by giving you a simple way to never stop learning. Read, test, analyze, repeat. Read articles, read books or read whatever you want, but once you stop reading think about how you can apply it. Make a plan to test what you’ve learned so that you can decide whether or not the information is valuable. Maybe it turns into a new weapon in your arsenal, or maybe it turns into a bust, however, if you never try you’ll never know. Once you complete the process find something new to test and attack it, this a simple yet effective way to never stop learning.

Until Next Time,

Eat, Drink Beer, Sleep, Repeat